In Nicole Kidman’s closet, every day is a wedding day. Maybe she should quit it.

(Nicole wore these three virginal frocks this past week. I admit, the shortest one is sweet.)

Poor Keith Urban is tortured by these white gowns — the first one sent him into honeymoon rehab! Maybe Nicole is doing it on purpose …

[At the world premiere of Australia in Sydney]
[At the press conference for Australia]
[At Glamour's Woman of the Year Awards in NYC]
Photos: Robert Wallace/WENN; PNP/WENN

(Ordering a marriage for takeout, please.)

Match.com, eHarmony — she’s tried everything. Nor will anyone reply to her Missed Connections on Craigslist.

Ashley Tisdale read somewhere that in order to get what she wants — popularity beyond Vanessa Hudgens’ — she’d have to get somebody to marry her. And yes, in this dowdy little doily (she’s virginal, you see? It’s practically a turtleneck!). And yet, even this gazillionaire can’t get a taker …

[At the Australian premiere of High School Musical 3: Senior Year in Sydney]
Photo: Robert Wallace/WENN

(Kim, Khloe and Kourtney: Meet Kessica!)

The Vanessa arc on Gossip Girl gets nationwide eye rolls; therefore’ Jessica Szohr is gunnin’ for a role as the fourth Kardashian sister. What a handy weave!

[At Lucky Magazine's 5th Annual Lucky Shops at NYC's Metropolitan Pavilion]
Photo: Patricia Schlein/WENN

(January Jones should be very afraid.)

Uh, no, thank you, Scarlett. Nobody needs you to reenact your secret little wedding ceremony to Blade: Trinity boy (but of COURSE you wore a short gown). You’ve cheapened everything. You were never the awesome boy-shorts-wearing girl in Lost in Translation. You were never Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive. No.

Now you’re Mrs. Ryan Reynolds, the depressing path of Mrs. Don Draper.

[At the Michael J. Fox Foundation's "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Cure Parkinson's" benefit in NYC]
Photo: PNP/WENN

(Who'd holla at this koala? Anyone?)

Gee, what could Jessica Simpson be hiding under her koala-bear parka?

[At Macy's 150th birthday gala at NYC's Gotham Hall]
Photo: PNP/WENN

(Jordan Catalano, are you out there?)

Wow, Joy. You and your “refined” grunge-wear. Suddenly, I have a crush on Jared Leto again. Scary!

Whoops, Claire Danes is on your ass. She wants her So-Called lucky outfit back.

[At Verizon's Blackberry Storm party at Hollywood's Avalon]
Photo: Dave Edwards/DailyCeleb.com

(Look beyond the ostrich epidermis.)

Bless Sarah Jessica Parker for making nine-dollar clothing items (Bitten, holla!). But her “icon” status doesn’t give her the leeway to sport the kind of hose that wanna be leggings.

What is this — a mirage? Because I see leggings that hit just below the knee. I know, I know — why try to find the gam illusion when the layer of ostrich epidermis that’s draped around her is distraction enough?

[At the opening party for Mobile Art: Chanel Contemporary Art Container in NYC's Central Park]
Photo: Flashpoint/WENN

(Danny DeVito says "Tsk, tsk.")

Both of Ed Westwick’s favorite amphibious characters, the Penguin and the Bass, tuck their shirts in. So, Ed? TUCK YOUR SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN SHIRT IN. NOW. With it all bohemian as it as, your Chuck blazer and the Danny DeVito shoes just don’t look as jerk-ish. But! Drew Barrymore would still make out with that.

[At a screening of Filth and Wisdom at New York's Sunshine Theater]

Photo: WENN