(Shut it down,'Tine! With or without Rachel Zoe!)

We know Amy Poehler will rock it in Zac Posen. We know Heidi Klum will look fa-ierce in Christian Siriano (we praypraypray). What we also know is Samantha Who? nominee Christina Applegate will be looking damned slammin’ for her very first red carpet parade free of cancer!

Lindsay Lohan will be Project Runway’s inaugural guest judge when it relocates to Lifetime. Airing in January, LiLo promises to pay extra special attention to the lesbian designers.

Now that Candace Bushnell is terribly busy penning Carrie Bradshaw’s puberty years, naturally, Hollywood will be needing to cast a teenage Carrie ASAP. Who’s already snubbed the job is Selena Gomez, who sniffed: “That’s not really the audience I’m going for.”

In real time, Lo and Lauren helped Audrina move out. But Audrina didn’t trust that bitch Lo with her piñata.

After a head count, Paris Hilton ran to People and sassed back to yesterday’s canine-murder-by-coyote report and says all of her dogs are alive and well. In fact, they’re living in plush, secure mansions. Why would coyotes go near a doggie mansion?!

Photo: Adriana M. Barraza/WENN

(Penn approves of Blake's junk.)

Penn Badgley prefers his meatier Gossip Girl girls to 90210’s “bone-thin” ones; He said: “I hope they eat a double cheeseburger or something.”

Hilary Swank endured brief hospitalization to remove a small, benign growth. It’s all very cryptic, but Hil is healing just fine.

Britney Spears is penciled in for a court date Oct. 15. This one’s for driving with an invalid license, remember? There’s still a tiny chance that the trial might be averted — if the lawyers at the very last hearing Oct. 8 all can get their balls in a row.

Lo Bosworth, still a bit miffed about the cryfest that L.C. and Audrina recently shared, found a friend in Tori Spelling at a breast-cancer awareness event in Beverly Hills this week. Mouthfuls of Rose’s Mojito cocktails did they drink, and earfuls of dramz on The Hills did Tori hear.

Anna Faris! Hosting SNL! Sept. 27!

What? Kate Hudson needed to unwind. Isn’t this what you look like when you unwind?

Brad, antsier to marry Angie? Like, $100,000 antsier? Brad, who might get to wed his baby-mama if the gays get to stay married in California, donated $100,000 to fight Proposition 8, a ballot initiative that would ban same-sex marriage in the state.

Carrie Bradshaw, the puberty years. Coming soon!

It’s shocking that the words “I can’t diet” spewed out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s mouth, when she’s famously known for (once) employing a macrobiotic chef — a diet that’s the equivalent to eating rocks.

Brooke Shields hasn’t worn her Project Runway-designed-by-Mormon-Keith outfit yet because she said it was “this big,” which she indicated with the pinch of two fingers. It’s been refitted, but surprise, she still hates it.

Photos: WENN; Will Alexander/WENN

(Weave? Ohhellno.)

Rihanna cut her hair, and bam! She took back control of herself.

Rachel Zoe, a “pox on humanity.” Not exactly. All she wants is for you to shut it down!

Will Smith shuts down accusations that he’s a Scientologist. But it doesn’t stop BFF Tom Cruise from sending Will lots of inspirational, can-do kind of mail signed, “Sincerely, L. Ron Hubbard.”

Britney’s lips touch the forbidden Frappuccino once more. Oh, the whipped cream, ohhhhhh.

OK, 90210 not inviting Tiffani Amber Thiessen was purely a looks thing.

Photo: Nikki Nelson/WENN

(Fans give Sienna the ultimate bitch-slap.)

Sienna Miller’s top fan site is shutting its web page in Sienna’s face. There’s only so much “Sienna is a slut” reports a fan can stomach before she agrees with, um, THE REST OF THE WORLD.

Call it sarcasm, but Jennifer Garner is just kind of a bitch (even about naming her baby!!) . Has been, and apparently, still is.

Shia LaBeouf speaks out about his broken fingers and the car accident that caused it: “The car hit me at 70 mph,” said Shia, but no mention if “70″ was also comparable to the number of alcoholic beverages he’d imbibed.

Yes, Tina Fey sated our vocal desires with her SNL impersonation of Sarah Palin, but the where-was-Obama? Q’s begged Lorne Michaels to reveal what would have taken place with Barack (and Chuck Norris!) had a hurricane named Ike not gotten in the way.

A-ha! A much nastier reason as to why Jennifer Lopez skipped out on guest-judging Project Runway’s season finale, and as a result, Heidi Klum and Seal couldn’t “make it” to Marc Anthony’s 40th bash.

Photo: Homero Tercero/WENN

(Yes! Yes! Yes! I promise to have SexyBack forevs!!)

Justin Timberlake’s fingers were seen depicting just “how close” he is to being married to Jessica Biel. Jessica thinks the idea of settling down with a soulmate is “groovy!”

Meanwhile, the engagement rumors between Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson is “all BS,” says Daddy “Debbie Downer” Lohan.

Courtney “Coolest Mother Evs” Love treated her daughter Frances Bean to a suicide-themed Sweet 16 fete. Courtney’s costume was Anjelica Huston in The Addams Family; Frances Bean’s was a no-brainer: her dad (R.I.P.).

Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are developing a mystery series together. If there is a God, it’ll be half the resounding genius of their last collaboration, Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Despite Katie’s religion, Katie’s rolled-up jeans and Katie’s supposed inability to sell tickets to her Broadway show debut, All My Sons is slated to be one of the biggest non-musicals at the box office. You’ll see her friend Jada Pinkett Smith on opening night, who’s certain that Katie will be “fabulous.”

Photo: WENN

(And yet her show calls girls "ugly.")

America Ferrera, on the cover of Seventeen, slams shows like The Hills, 90210 and Gossip Girl; she says that shows like that “condition us to be mean.” Despite Blake Lively being a “wonderful friend,” America denigrates Blake’s entire existence.

Keira Knightley, hit by a eureka: If she has a baby, that’ll curb anorexia rumors! “S–t!” she said.

Kanye West is out of police hands on $20,000 bail. He took off in one of those black Chevy Suburbans with the “diva” license plates and opted for the — ah! — Van Nuys Airport. More cameras to be smashed!

Posh is sicksicksick of Eva Longoria and her stupid Beso; she’s topped Eva’s chef (Todd English) and bribed Gordon Ramsay to cook for her at a collaborative coming-soon-to-L.A. restaurant.

Filming is over for How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, but Kirsten Dunst, who plays a celebrity journalist, couldn’t help but revisit the riveting life of a what-are-you-wearing talking head. Watch her man-handle a mic and see who she calls a “splendid butterfly.”

(What's a Jennifer Aniston?)

Oh my effin’ God. Jennifer Aniston is not seeing Gerard Butler.

It behooved Britney to fix her weave — since seriously-big-deal Vogue photographer Patrick Demarchelier flew all the way from London to photograph Brit for her new album. Patrick snipped: “I’m pleased to hear that she’s pulled herself together.”

Why is Heidi Klum leaving with John Mayer? And why is John getting that look of encouragement from that bodyguard-lookin’ fella?

See, Eva? Shoulda stuck with the flowy wear. Yes, it would have still spawned pregnant rumors, but with the tight metal number, you’re working with a literal spawn or copping to being fat. BFF sees you’ve submitted to the latter.

Sarah Palin is called “absurd” by America’s (Male) Sweetheart, Matt Damon. He wants to know her stance on dinosaurs — yay or nay? Meanwhile, the other Veep-hopeful Joe Biden embarrassed a paraplegic.

Photo: WENN