(WTF are you staring at?)

Katherine Heigl smoked the last puff of one of her faithful Natural American Spirit cigs, and she did what I think a lot of smokers do — she threw it on the ground.

‘Course a perched pig on a bike switched gears and cycled on over to Katherine and recited her offense.

We’ve got plenty of stars that live for smokes — but this week, it’s not about picking on Lindsay Lohan and Jennifer Aniston. It’s TGIF, and there’s been enough of that (missed headlines: “Lindsay, New to Her Lesbian Lifestyle, Throws Cig on the Ground in a Panic; Cop Understands and Accepts Apology” and “Jennifer Can’t Seem to Breakup With Anyone First; Therefore, Cops Let Her Breakup With Her Cigs.”)

Katherine isn’t well-liked right now. She’s a little too outspoken for her own good — she was grumpy about Grey’s Anatomy numbers; she was grumpy about her anti-feminist Allison in Knocked Up; et al. — so the karma runs amok, like Izzy getting killed off the very show she nabbed an Emmy for. Because of her complaints of bad material. She was right!

The cop on the bike threatens a citation, and Katherine is biting her lip not to say something totally emasculating, you know this. She does manage to depart from Santa Monica’s P.F. Chang’s ticket-less, but not without a long, demeaning monologue about “if I catch you again, young lady …” He, I’m sure, was in it for the boob sighting and the faux incident he’s telling everyone that Katherine Heigl was hitting on him.

Source: Katherine Heigl Caught Littering (Star)

Photo: WENN

("Don't care about me. I'm serious.")

An “undateable” Jennifer Aniston is nobody’s problem but Jennifer Aniston’s.

A Brit reporter purports that “we are killing Jen’s relationships,” and “we have her love-life’s blood on our hands because, even though she’s a successful, beautiful, rich celeb who probably has a pretty fun life, we don’t believe she can be content unless she finds love” and “We’re desperate for her to get married, have a baby and be blissfully happy ever after. Mainly because otherwise Angelina wins, and the thought of that is simply unbearable.” This is a woman that earnestly claims she’s “100% Team Aniston.” Who says that in, uh, 2008?

Like Jezebel, I don’t carry this burden. My office wall isn’t scrawled with markings each time Angelina wins (Aniston, still 0). I don’t “cheer” for Jennifer when I see her hugging a “mystery man” then get “disappointed” when her “hot date” turns out to be Paul Rudd. No. That — and all the burdgeoning sorrow and regret that Brit writer is carrying — is what is ruining Jennifer Aniston.

If anything, I’m just offended by her rom-coms. Which is something I solve quietly by not seeing them.

Sources: Why Are People Obsessed With Jennifer Aniston’s Love Life? (Jezebel)
We’ve made Jennifer’s love life the Pitts (The Mirror)

Photo: Dave Edwards/DailyCeleb.com

("We gotta make sure my butt stays this big, OK?"

J.Lo no longer sells. In fact, these days, J-Love gets more attention than the former half of Bennifer, and she’s not even training for a triathlon! All Jennifer Love Hewitt probably has is one of those blue exercise balls.

After her “Good Morning America” segment, the former diva and current dying-to-be-a-diva-that-is-reckoned-with was overheard muttering that she: “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer,” according to a source, via MSNBC’s The Scoop. “She couldn’t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’ ”

And omilord, Jennifer is keeping a blog.

Source: Phelps, schmelps! J.Lo’s also in training (MSNBC’s The Scoop)

Photo: Anthony Dixon/WENN

(TMZ got me this awesome T-shirt!)

John Mayer mistook a coterie of paparazzi for a 60-minute sit-down with Barbara Walters.

In the confidence of the paps, here’s his side of things:

1. He ended the relationship. Not Jennifer Aniston.
2. Jennifer is the smartest, most sophisticated person he’s ever met. He thinks. That could also read as “old.”
3. He doesn’t like to waste your time. Sorry, Jen, about wasting a little bit already.
4. He puts people in two boxes: cheaters and break-uppers. He’s the second. Maybe.
5. He ended the relationship. Not Jennifer Aniston.
6. He doesn’t do “the taper.” That would enable cheating. And, hello, he’s not like that.
7. He doesn’t want to be followed around New York City like an animal. (He prefers L.A.)
8. He ended the relationship. Not Jennifer Aniston. Something about chemistry being different.

(I use this blankie to shield myself from the paps!)

Now, Jennifer’s side:

Well, because Jen is such a classy broad, she didn’t engage in a conversation with paparazzi. She’s more of a “close source of Jen’s revealed” kind of operation …

1. Jen will never kiss and tell.
2. John’s acting like a spoiled child. It was Jen that broke things up with John!!
3. Jen is behaving like a lady. (”But did you hear me?! I broke up with him!! Tell everyone that.”)
4. And by the by, John (sleazy, sleazy press whore) had a relationship with the paparazzi and bloggers. He tips them off.
5. He loves the attention. Just not in New York.
6. Jen was tired of paying for everything. (”Cobwebs come flying out of his wallet when he opens it!”)
7. Instead of taking advantage of his waiting car service, John chose to walk and then talk to the paparazzi. This is the kind of person we’re dealing with.
8. Jen’s dating again.

See? What I said before. These two sorta deserved each other.

Sources: John Mayer: It’s Time That Somebody Stands Up” for Jennifer Aniston (Us Weekly)
Jen takes high road as John tells all (Scoop)

Photos: Hugh Dillon/WENN; Anthony Dixon/WENN

(But Mommy, I don't want to get a bikini wax...)

Celebrity moms, don’t think with your vajayjay, please.

Just read the most startling article on MSNBC (thanks for the warning, Jezebel) about girls getting bikini waxes at age 8. Like before puberty. Oh wait, this one girl was just 6.

One salon advocate, offering discounts to children with “virgin” hair, says: “Virgin hair can be waxed so successfully that growth can be permanently stopped in just 2 to 6 sessions. Save your child a lifetime of waxing … and put the money in the bank for her college education instead!”

God, BFF hopes Katie, Jennifer, Angelina, Nicole and Jessica keep that hot wax away from the girly spaces of Suri, Violet, Shiloh, Sunday and Honor, respectively, for a looong time.

Source: Too young? Preteen girls get leg, bikini waxes (MSNBC)

Photo: Anthony Dixon/WENN

(What you need are more mystery dates, Jen!)

I want to kiss this Star eyewitness on the mouth. He (or she — I’d kiss her on the mouth, too) caught Jennifer Aniston on a date last night.

… but was it an orchestrated date to ward off Jen Can’t Seem to Find Love After Brad and is Still Lonely rumors? Yes!

This eyewitness claims that the tall, dark and handsome man that accompanied her at the Tower Bar and Restaurant in the Sunset Towers Hotel was “better looking than Brad Pitt and John Mayer combined.”

(To point out the obvious: If you combine anything beneath a Brad Pitt (like a John Mayer) with a Brad Pitt, yeah, I’m sure there’s a ton of men that look better that tragic combination.)

This eyewitness noticed everything — like Jen fondling palms with this man during their meal of wine, sea bass, sauteed peppers and olives, short ribs, spinach and a red velvet cake slice.

And with their goodbyes, they kissed a whopping total of three times. What the?!

Source: Jen Moves On from John with a Hot Date! (Star)

Photo: WENN

The UK’s Mirror tittle-tattles off on John Mayer dumping Jennifer Aniston. (It also refers to Mayer as a “rock star,” which also hurts my feelings.)

Awful. Why? Because this is that rare case — like Brad and Angelina — where it’s neither a trade-up (Benji trades up with Paris) or a trade-down (Scarlett trades down with Ryan). It is equal. Jennifer deserves John’s arm of bad-boy tattoos. John deserves another subject to write sentimental songs for — another Wonderland, if you will.

Sigh. Now Jen must de-frame those blown-up tabloid covers of the reports of her “Wedding of the Year!” and such. She shouldn’t have asked him to cut down on his touring. Dumb!

Jen’s new movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, hits theaters right around Valentine’s Day of 2009.

Source: Unlucky Jennifer Aniston dumped by rock star John Mayer (Mirror)

Photos: WENN

(Goodie, I can't wait to eat my PB&J in the sandbox!)

Jennifer Garner is pregnant again. Not that she’d stop wearing these parachute tops …

For the record, Little Violet’s catching up in cuteness to Suri and Shiloh (big deal). I’m guessing she gave up those plastic red barrettes for a reason, no?

Her mother, however, accepted the rejection as a gracious hand-me-down to herself. Thing is, no grown woman parts her boring brown hair down the middle and clips the sides back with Goody clips. No. She’s so, so homely — in a way that my former boss thought Maggie Gyllenhaal was homely and therefore not newsworthy — but Maggie is rad. She’s almost up there with Zooey Deschanel.

Jennifer might be on par with Zooey’s split ends.

Photo: WENN