Aw, Katie’s so flattered! (Poser.)

Photos: WENN; L. Gallo/WENN

(Yes! Yes! Yes! I promise to have SexyBack forevs!!)

Justin Timberlake’s fingers were seen depicting just “how close” he is to being married to Jessica Biel. Jessica thinks the idea of settling down with a soulmate is “groovy!”

Meanwhile, the engagement rumors between Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson is “all BS,” says Daddy “Debbie Downer” Lohan.

Courtney “Coolest Mother Evs” Love treated her daughter Frances Bean to a suicide-themed Sweet 16 fete. Courtney’s costume was Anjelica Huston in The Addams Family; Frances Bean’s was a no-brainer: her dad (R.I.P.).

Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are developing a mystery series together. If there is a God, it’ll be half the resounding genius of their last collaboration, Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Despite Katie’s religion, Katie’s rolled-up jeans and Katie’s supposed inability to sell tickets to her Broadway show debut, All My Sons is slated to be one of the biggest non-musicals at the box office. You’ll see her friend Jada Pinkett Smith on opening night, who’s certain that Katie will be “fabulous.”

Photo: WENN

(Glad you can squeeze through this doorway now, Daddy.)

Bloated. Tubby. Portly. Thick. The Daily Mail prefers “paunchy” to describe Tom Cruise.

From my shallow side, I found Tom to be at his heftiness this time last year; here, he was promoting Lion for Lambs. Note the double chin:

(The chin was at least six of those lost pounds.)

But a man his height put his horizontal-growing matters into the hands of David Beckham. Who better to handle love-handles, right?

“While Katie and Victoria have been swapping fashion tips on the phone, David has been advising Tom on diet.”

While this report claims a loss of 10 pounds in six weeks for Suri’s father, I do think this report is some 14 months tardy.

Source: ‘Paunchy’ Tom Cruise loses 10lb with his new personal trainer - Becks (Daily Mail)

Photos: L. Gallo/WENN; WENN

Despite love gone awry for Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz’s boy-fling John Mayer, these days, Cameron boasts success with Aniston-ex, Paul Sculfor. Spotted in the Maldives together, snorkeling, kayaking and eating like a horse, this Page Six source also noted a “chunky ring on her left ring finger.”

Brad Pitt will photograph Angelina Jolie for the November cover of W Magazine. Years ago, pre-Brangelina (but barely), Brad and Angie appeared in W as a “family” to better advertise their film, Mr. & Mrs. Smith (but the children were props). These kids will the real Shiloh-and-the-gang deal! Also, the behind-the-scenes Brangelina stuff revealed.

A skilled illustrator (and psychic!) predicts the end to TomKat’s love affair with New York City. It all, of course, began with Katie’s Broadway debut in All My Sons …

Charlie Sheen’s wife of three months, Brooke Mueller, is pregnant with Charlie’s fourth child. He says: “She’s the best stepmom Sam, Lola and Cassandra could ever hope for.” The word “hope” suggests that Denise Richards has probably forbade a meet-and-greet, and the daughters have only ever “hoped” for a dream stepmom.

Madonna’s “Sweet and Sticky” is now underway, and according to her, John McCain is like a Hitler, while Barack Obama is definitely a John Lennon, or perhaps, Gandhi. Pissed, McCain responded.

Photos: Nikki Nelson/WENN; WENN

(Alphabetical order just didn't make sense, Katie.)

Katie Holmes is mentioned, much in the form of an afterthought, in the poster for the new Broadway play, All My Sons.

While Gwen tends to baby Zuma, big boy Kingston is left in the hands of babysitter Britney Spears. Kingston, in heaven over the macho Federline toys.

Sienna Miller’s British pad is tagged “slut.”

The car accident that won’t quit: The other driver is charged with running a red light, which caused the infamous Shia LaBeouf collision and his inevitable DUI. So, the DUI would’ve been a non-issue had it not been for the overzealous red-light-runner. Jerk!

Tila Tequila’s hanger-on Courtenay Semel spent the night in jail after going “nuts” with a Vegas showman. Kourtney Kardashian couldn’t keep up!

Winona Ryder and Tom Green, seeking comfort in each other. As Tim Gunn would say, “This concerns me.”

Photo: Patricia Schlein/WENN

(But Mommy, I don't want to get a bikini wax...)

Celebrity moms, don’t think with your vajayjay, please.

Just read the most startling article on MSNBC (thanks for the warning, Jezebel) about girls getting bikini waxes at age 8. Like before puberty. Oh wait, this one girl was just 6.

One salon advocate, offering discounts to children with “virgin” hair, says: “Virgin hair can be waxed so successfully that growth can be permanently stopped in just 2 to 6 sessions. Save your child a lifetime of waxing … and put the money in the bank for her college education instead!”

God, BFF hopes Katie, Jennifer, Angelina, Nicole and Jessica keep that hot wax away from the girly spaces of Suri, Violet, Shiloh, Sunday and Honor, respectively, for a looong time.

Source: Too young? Preteen girls get leg, bikini waxes (MSNBC)

Photo: Anthony Dixon/WENN

(We are, like, way more famous than Ben Stiller and Christine -- wait, who?! LOL.)

Katie Holmes’ diligent schedule of play rehearsal, Suri playdates and rolling up of the jeans took an immediate halt when husband Tom Cruise bullied her into getting on a plane to accompany him to the Tropic Thunder premiere in Los Angeles. Must show face among the other couples! Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor, Robert Downey Jr. and spouse, Jack Black and spouse, and so on (Katie is the most famous spouse, which is what she and Tom are having a chuckle about). And, a couple of folks like Amy Adams, Alicia Silverstone and Jay Baruchel went stag.

While it would be a treat to see Cruise all bald and fat, I’d prefer to view Man on Wire instead. Oui, oui!

Photos: Dimitri Halkidis/WENN

(Suri doesn't tell Mom that her favorite actress is Ariel.)

Last night, Katie carried little Suri to Broadway — not to see Mommy on stage — but to see Mommy’s most feared competitor: the red-headed siren with the bitchin’ iridescent tail to boot, Ariel aka The Little Mermaid.

Why Tom’s wife opted for a classical shift dress for the evening is, indeed, peculiar, since she’s been stuck on her MC Hammer shaped Mom jeans day after day after day. See?

I understand that people might hold superstitions. Particularly, actors and athletes. So whatever “luck” is emanating from Katie’s ballooning jeans to assist with her upcoming Broadway performance — Katie should definitely preserve whatever good stuff she can get. It’s been some time she’s acted (outside of acting as Mrs. Tom Cruise).

So, yeah, why even put those darned lucky pants anywhere near that mermaid? Forget it, sea girl. These pants belong to Katie Holmes and Katie Holmes only.

Photos: Patricia Schlein/WENN; Doug Meszler/WENN; Anthony Dixon/WENN